Category: Discovery

I’ve been reflecting on my eating lately. I have been really struggling. Some days I’m OK but other days I become food obsessed and want to eat and eat and eat. I lose a little weight then gain more and more.

Last year I lost 10kg, mainly through exercise and watching what I eat. Over the years Weight Watchers (oops I mean WW) has been the only program that has helped me to consistently lose weight. However, that is only when I diligently track my food intake. It controls what I eat and stops me from over eating. BUT once I stop tracking I lose control and start gaining weight again. It’s like I have learned nothing.

So much of my eating is emotional eating. I eat when I’m bored, I eat when I’m stressed. I eat when I socialise and I eat when I am alone. I eat when I am happy. I eat when I am sad. I eat because I love food and how it makes me feel.

Lately I feel like I am out of control. Recently I reached a low point. I felt like I simply could not stop myself eating. I felt unhealthy and unhappy. A few days later I reflected on that evening. I have recognised that a big part of my issues have been mental strength, something I blogged about 12 months ago.

I’ve decided I need to take action. I need to tackle my emotional eating, otherwise I will continue to fall back into bad habits time and time again.

I have found be book called Busy, Stressed and Food Obsessed by Lisa Lewtan. I am going to give it a go.

Watch this space…

I have classical music playing. I have a cup of French Earl Grey tea. And I’m writing  in my journal. How sublime!

I close my eyes and I imagine I am somewhere in the countryside. Rolling grape-vine covered hills. Clear blue sky. The sun is shining and there is a gentle breeze rustling my hair.

I am sitting outside at my old wooden writing table. My gorgeous villa is behind me. My husband and son are training in the pool and I can hear their splashes from time to time. Our dog, a golden retriever, is sleeping beside me. Occasionally twitching her paws as she chases a cat in her dreams. But other than that I am quite alone. Ahhh! Bliss!!

Today we will take a walk into the village, buy some cheeses, meats and fresh bread for lunch. On the way back we will drop by our favourite winery. Stop for a chat with the owners and buy a few bottles of wine…. the hardest decision we will make all day.

Life is beautiful. Living the dream!

Yes, a dream.

Instead here I sit. Inside! It’s cold, 6 degrees Celsius, and worse, the pollution is bad. AGAIN!! I don’t even want to go outside. And I have put off my run for another day. Grrrr.

I am writing on a wooden desk but it is not so pretty and is piled with junk. In front of me is a big computer screen and behind my husband’s training bike. Bleugh! So not the dream.

Back to reality!

This is life and life is not perfect. You can’t always live the dream. But you can focus on the small things in life that will make you happy.

I have classical music playing. I have a cup of French Earl Grey tea. And I’m writing  in my journal. How sublime!

I have been back at work now for almost three months. And, not surprisingly, it hasn’t been easy to find balance.

I have tried hard by being super organised.

I have been planning the week’s meals and grocery shopping on a Sunday. However, by Thursday I am just too tired to find the energy to cook and we order take away.

I’ve tried to set up my days so I can exercise 3-4 times a week but the Winter weather here (dark, cold and polluted) has conspired against me to make it very difficult to go for a run outside. This means I have to run inside on a treadmill, which I find really boring which in turn impacts my motivation to get out of bed and exercise.

I have even tried to structure time in the week to write. (I call it Executive Time in my calendar.) Unfortunately meetings and work priorities have meant I haven’t had the opportunity to write very often.

All of these things have contributed to me feeling crappy, depressed and even a little bit cranky.

This week I found some “Executive Time” and wrote in my journal everything I was feeling. I poured out my feelings. I listed my frustrations. I even ranted for a bit.

Then I read over what I had written. Wow! I need to relax a little and not beat myself up because I’m not hitting every goal at 100%.

And I spent some time re-reading a few of my blog posts (and this one too). I should listen to my own advice.

So, today as I write I am making some commitments to myself.

• I need to go easy on myself. No-one is perfect.
• Winter is never the time of the year when I am at my best.
• I’ve only just returned to work and it takes time to build routines.

Do I feel better? Not completely. But a little. And that’s OK. Life is a journey.

Twelve months ago I embarked on a journey full of uncertainty. After 23 years in the workforce I decided to stop working and take time out.

There were plenty of naysayers; “You’ll be bored in six months”, “ You’ll miss work too much”. There was also lots of encouragement; “What a fantastic opportunity”, “I’ve always wanted to do what you’re doing”.

Early on I wrote down the goals for my sabbatical and developed a clear plan of what I wanted to achieve. This was partly because this is how I have always operated in the  work environment and I wanted to ensure my time was well used. But, truth be told, it was partly because I felt guilty for taking the time off and I needed to be able to prove to myself and others that I was achieving what I set out to do and not just taking an extended holiday.

As I prepare myself for a return to the workforce (albeit part time) I have spent some time reviewing those goals and reflecting on the past year.

So, did I achieve my goals? Mostly yes. And some no’s.

Did I learn anything about myself? Absolutely.

Habits

After many years of working I discovered I had developed some unhelpful habits; emotional eating, intermittent exercise, dwelling on decisions made, spending Sunday evenings obsessively worrying about what might happen at work the coming week.

During the past 12 months I have consciously spent time on breaking these bad habits and creating new ones.

I now exercise four to five times a week (a mix of yoga, running and swimming and I have recently added kickboxing to try something new). I focus on making healthy eating choices four or five days a week and give myself permission to enjoy a few treats over the weekend while trying not to overindulge. (One or two pieces of chocolate NOT the whole block!) When I am eating socially I try to eat mindfully, stop part way through the meal, wait a few minutes and then ask myself am I eating out of hunger or because of my uncontrolled desire to just to eat everything in sight.

Leo Babauta’s Zen Habits and Marc & Angel’s Hack Life both gave me inspiration and easy to follow tips as I slowly tried to kick habits of a lifetime.

However, I know it could be very easy to go back to these habits once I return to work. For me regular exercise and making healthy choices when eating requires discipline. Which leads me to the next discovery…..

Mental strength

So many of my bad habits were due to not having the mental strength to make the right decision. After spending so much of my time obsessively worrying about past decisions and future scenarios I was too tired to focus on what I needed to do in the present.

Mindfulness is such a buzz word for today. However with the help of tips and meditation practices from Andy Puddicombe’s Headspace, I have come to recognise negative thoughts for exactly what they are “thoughts”.  They are not reality unless I allow them to be. I don’t ignore these thoughts but I acknowledge them for what they are and move on to a more productive route.

Please don’t think I no longer have negative thoughts or concern myself about the past or future. They are still there. At this moment I am worried about how I am going to balance my new found life with work commitments. How am I going to fit in the yoga and running, preparing healthy but delicious meals for my family, writing and pursuing my creative side?

Priorities

This is where Mark Manson’s book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck has really helped. Mark’s message is not about not caring about anything, his message is to care about those things you value. Saying yes to what matters to you and not wasting time with the rest.

Prioritising what I value most; my physical and emotional health, my family and community. And also finding something that challenges me and stops me becoming too comfortable or complacent in the world.

I have set myself new goals and developed a new plan for the next 12 months, focusing on what I am passionate about, what is meaningful to me. Will I achieve everything I set out to do? Definitely not. But I will ensure I continue to direct my time, energy and passion to what matters the most to me.

For one of my very first blog posts I wrote was about why I am learning Chinese. Last week I had my final lesson for the semester and I thought I would reflect on what I have achieved in the past year.

First up, my goal was to be able to go out for dinner with my Chinese friends and speak with them in their language rather than forcing them to converse in mine. A very ambitious goal! The old adage that the more I learn, the more I realise I know so little, is very true.

However, I am pleased with what I have achieved. I have significantly increased my vocabulary and can even construct simple sentences. It has been frustrating at times but I can see real progression. In fact, I have to say, I have even enjoyed it!

I am thrilled that I am setting a good example for my son. There were times when we were learning the same theme and could quiz each other. He often corrects my pronunciation! And I’d like to think that I even inspired my husband to start learning. Annoyingly he seems to be mastering it quicker than I. (I am trying hard not to be jealous of this.)

Importantly it has improved the connection I have with my Chinese friends. I sense that maybe they feel more respected and valued as a friend. They seem to enjoy explaining the nuances of certain words and phrases and teaching me new ones. What is particularly interesting is when I show off my latest vocabulary and they laugh and tell me that what have just said is not how real people talk, it is the formal way of saying something and then proceed to teach me the vernacular.

Of course I can’t have any real in-depth conversation with them. Our conversation is limited to basic sentences and as soon as they get more complex the language switches to English as I try to explain.

Learning Chinese has led me to understand and appreciate China better. I can appreciate how a language reflects the culture (or is it culture reflected in the language?). For example the Chinese language has many more words to describe a persons family connections e.g. where English only has sister and brother, Chinese describes whether your sister or brother is older or younger than you (jie jie, mei mei, ge ge and di di respectively), whether your grandparents are your father’s parents (ye ye, nai nai) or mother’s parents (wai gong, wai po). And don’t get me started on the variations for aunt, uncle, cousins and in-laws.

Learning Chinese has helped me to understand English better too. Or at least reflect on my complete lack of understanding of English grammar rules. If someone asked me to explain the use of nouns, determiners, pronouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, prepositions and conjunctions in a sentence I would be perplexed. I can’t explain it, I just know it.

Someone once told me that while Chinese is hard to learn, once you know the rules it is  easy as you just follow the rules. This is in comparison with learning English which is full of exceptions to the rule. Not true! Chinese also has many exceptions to the rule. This makes it more frustrating to learn because just when you think you understand the teacher tells you about the exceptions. Arrgh!

Despite this, I intend to continue learning Chinese. Next semester I plan to resume attending class. I also want to arrange a more one on one conversational chat with someone once a week. Now I have the basics I need to work on my confidence and actually start speaking the language.

I did it! I ran 21km and completed The Great Wall (half) Marathon! With seven kilometres of stairs there was a lot of walking as well. Particularly one steep section that was more rocks cemented together than actual stairs.

I feel so gratified by this achievement, the result of more than just one days hard work. I have been training for months. Building up from struggling to run more than 10 minutes to being able to finish a half marathon.

How did I do this? I had help from a couple of apps, Zen Labs Fitness C25K and 13.1 and Headspace,  the support of family and friends, and finding my mental strength (see my previous post on finding my strength).

I have to admit that this strength left me for a big part of the race. All that was going through my mind was “#*@! what the #*@! was I thinking? I’m a #*@! idiot for thinking this was a #*@! good idea.” (#*@! – insert expletives here.) However, I remembered the advice from Headspace’s meditation and pushed these thoughts out and instead focused on a time when I had been training and enjoyed running. It worked! Suddenly I felt free, it became easier to run. Similarly not feeling I had to run the whole time really helped. Drawing from my training with the 13.1 app I knew it would be more achievable if I allowed myself one minute walking then running for as long as I could.

So, what was it like? I compare it to childbirth. People tell you how hard it is but until you experience it for yourself, you don’t really understand what it is like.

• The worst bit – the stairs, of course. Climbing a million stairs to reach the top and see you have a billion more to go really messes with your mind.

• The best bit – the amazing views from the top of the stairs. When you have to stop to catch your breath it really helps to be able to look at the stunning scenery. And running through the villages with the locals cheering you on.

• The funniest bit – having to stop running to allow a farmer to herd his flock of sheep across your path.

When I finished the race I was relieved it was over. As I crossed the finish line I vowed never to do it again. However by the morning I was texting my family telling them that we were ALL going to do it next year, my 9 year old son included.

Inspired by two of my friends who completed the marathon (one was the first female to finish, the other completing her first marathon just 20 minutes before the eight hour cut off time), I am seriously contemplating setting my sights on the full marathon.  All 42.1 km of it, including tackling the 7 km of stairs twice!

There’s a sense of incompleteness in our lives…. it’s a feeling that something is wrong with us, that something is missing, or that we’re missing out on something in the world.

Since the start of my sabbatical I have been following Leo Babauta’s Zen Habits blog. A recent post of his, The Craving for Wholeness That Drives Our Actions, got me thinking about my purpose and what it was that I was seeking.

These past few months (nine, actually) I have been purposefully contemplating what matters most to me and how it dictates the direction of my time, energy and passion.

Reading Leo’s thoughts on our sense of incompleteness and our craving to find a feeling of connection and intimacy with others to fill that void, I reflected on how I had been going about this.

We wake up and immediately begin distracting ourselves, seeking something interesting, exciting, any kind of dopamine hit. We look for the convenient over the difficult, the quick and easy over struggle and meaning.

We don’t give ourselves a moment of space or quiet, filling every bit of space with videos, songs, podcasts, audio-books, short online reads, news, social media, quick tasks, messages.

I admit that I have structured my sabbatical with a carefully thought out action plan. I have goals. I have strategies. I even have a monthly timeline of tasks to achieve. But I have not considered that I need time to simply just be… To do as Leo suggests and stop for a while and allow myself to feel the discomfort and uncertainty of who I am.

The wholeness of being completely OK, no matter where we are, no matter what we’re doing. Of being absolutely in love with our experience, of not needing anything more.

Leo suggests some simple ideas on how we can find this sense of wholeness.

I highly recommend reading Leo’s post and while you’re there check out the rest of his site. It makes for some inspirational and thought-provoking reading.