Book Review, Discovery

Busy, Stressed and Food Obsessed! by Lisa Lewtan (Part 1)

I am a work in progress and I know I’m not perfect. But I’m OK with that.

My blog post today falls somewhere between a book review and a diary entry.

I have just started reading Busy, Stressed and Food Obsessed! by Lisa Lewtan and am working my way through the “assignments” at the end of most chapters. Rather than review the book as I usually would I thought I would share my progress as I work through the book.

Chapter III: What is my story?

I grew up in a family where we were told to “eat everything on our plate” and to “not waste food”. Growing up in a family of five siblings with not a lot of money or opportunities to eat out our main meal was the basic meat and three vegetables. Treats really were sometimes foods. And if you had something delicious (bacon, chocolate or lollies) you ate it quickly so no-one could steal it.

Fast-forward to now; I can eat what I want, when I want. The trouble is I want to eat everything all the time. I think about food often. What am I going to eat next? When am I going to eat next? I eat when I am bored, stressed, sad, happy, relaxed. I eat to reward myself. Hunger is rarely in the equation but when it is, the feeling is magnified 100 times. If you look up the word HANGRY in the dictionary there is a picture of me.

Many of us get caught in the pattern of over-scheduling our families and ourselves. Your to-do list is your map. Your cell phone is your compass. We say we hate it yet we just keep doing it. We rarely give ourselves permission to sit down and reflect, think abut our choices and our true desires and schedule our lives with our dreams and long-term goals in mind…. So we just keep going and going, getting more stressed along the way. Rather than slowing down, we turn to prescription drugs, wine and food.

Chapter IV: What is keeping me busy in my life? Is it satisfying or draining?

  • Work, which comprises roughly 35% of my waking hours = Mostly unsatisfying (sorry boss)
  • Household administrivia (cooking, shopping, tidying, helping my son with his homework) = Mostly unsatisfying
  • Exercise and meditation = Satisfying (but only 1.5% of my waking hours)
  • Obsessing over what are we / what am I going to do next = DRAINING
  • Socialising with friends and family = Very satisfying (but this often revolves around food!)

Just like watching porn works to excite its viewers to want more sex, food porn excites its viewers to want more food! As a result, we are thinking, planning, and dreaming about food all day long. Is it any wonder we are all food obsessed?

Chapter V: Start paying attention. Start noticing conversations about food, pictures sent to you, billboards and commercials, and how often you find yourself thinking about food.

A snapshot of my day

Wake up: flick through social media posts from friends about meals they ate last night and recipes for cakes and chocolate. I’m thinking what am I going to eat for breakfast. Do I need to put something out to defrost for dinner tonight?

Busy stressed

On the way to work: I’m tired. I need caffeine, I need a cup of tea.

Mid morning: Hmmm I need a break from work. Maybe a snack. No I’ll resist and have another cup of tea.

Late morning: Lunch is coming soon. I’m getting hungry. I need to make healthy choices.

Lunch time: (in the cafeteria, lots to choose from) There’s the healthy choice, a salad. Oooh no, there’s dumplings for lunch. Yum I love that. I’ll have that. Scroll through social media and see what my friends are having to eat (see below).

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Mid afternoon: Hmmm I need a break from work. Maybe a snack. No I had too much for lunch. I’ll resist and have another cup of tea.

Home from work: Arrgh! I’m exhausted. But I have to start making dinner. I’ll just have a snack while I’m getting dinner ready. I’ll make it a healthy choice. Fruit! Yeah, fruit is good.

10 minutes later: I need to taste what I am making. Yum, not bad if I do say so myself. I need another taste (repeat, repeat, repeat).

After dinner: I’ve had a hard day. Scroll through social media (see below). I deserve a treat. Chocolate and a glass of wine. Some more chocolate. It’s almost all gone, I better finish it off…..

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Busy, Stressed and Food Obsessed!: Calm Down, Ditch Your Inner-Critic Bitch, and Finally Figure Out What Your Body Needs to Thrive, Lisa Lewtan, Healthy, Happy, and Hip, 2015,  ISBN: 978-0-692-50051-4

Discovery

Food obsessed

I’ve been reflecting on my eating lately. I have been really struggling. Some days I’m OK but other days I become food obsessed and want to eat and eat and eat. I lose a little weight then gain more and more.

Last year I lost 10kg, mainly through exercise and watching what I eat. Over the years Weight Watchers (oops I mean WW) has been the only program that has helped me to consistently lose weight. However, that is only when I diligently track my food intake. It controls what I eat and stops me from over eating. BUT once I stop tracking I lose control and start gaining weight again. It’s like I have learned nothing.

So much of my eating is emotional eating. I eat when I’m bored, I eat when I’m stressed. I eat when I socialise and I eat when I am alone. I eat when I am happy. I eat when I am sad. I eat because I love food and how it makes me feel.

Lately I feel like I am out of control. Recently I reached a low point. I felt like I simply could not stop myself eating. I felt unhealthy and unhappy. A few days later I reflected on that evening. I have recognised that a big part of my issues have been mental strength, something I blogged about 12 months ago.

I’ve decided I need to take action. I need to tackle my emotional eating, otherwise I will continue to fall back into bad habits time and time again.

I have found be book called Busy, Stressed and Food Obsessed by Lisa Lewtan. I am going to give it a go.

Watch this space…

Photo by Sandrachile . on Unsplash

 

Book Review

Book Review: Any Ordinary Day by Leigh Sales

We are each as vulnerable as the next person on the planet, and that was both a terrifying and enlightening fact.

Having recently read and reviewed Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant, I was looking for a new book to review for my next blog post. As I searched for options I kept being drawn to Any Ordinary Day: Blindsides, Resilience and What Happens After the Worst Day Of Your Life by Leigh Sales; a book that was very similar to Option B that I disregarded it. In the end I realised that there must a reason why I kept coming back to this book, so I should just go ahead and read it.

And I am glad I did. To some extent it is very similar story; a high profile woman blindsided by events beyond their control, reflecting on what happens after the worst day of their life and how we can all build resilience to work through life-changing events.

However, while there are many similarities and take-aways both give different perspectives. As an Australian Leigh’s examples, the Lindt Cafe siege, Stuart Diver and Thredbo landslide, the Port Arthur massacre, all resonate with an Australian reader and may not have as much meaning to those who have not lived in Australia in recent decades.

Leigh is also a journalist and gives her perspective on the media’s role in a victim or surviour’s journey. (Something I would have been interested in hearing from Sheryl given her position at Facebook.)

This was probably the part I read with most interest, as I believe that often the 24 hour media news cycle can make things worse for someone who has just experienced the worst day of their life.

Maximum public curiosity and therefore maximum media harassment coincide with the peak vulnerability of the people involved.

It was interesting to read how Leigh justified her role in this by it being “in the public interest” and if she didn’t do it someone else would.

Journalism has a culture that values and rewards breaking news, fresh angles that keep stories on the front page and juicy details that make people talk. From day one in journalism school, you’re taught that while you must behave ethically towards the people on whom you report, ultimately you serve the public above all else.

Coincidentally, I studied journalism at the same time as Leigh but moved away from it as a career pathway as I felt uncomfortable with the process. I feel that it is unethical to turn people’s suffering into “news” for public consumption and make money for the media owners and advertisers.

Another factor I found interesting was how many people she interviewed believed that faith helped them through.

This was something that also surprised Leigh.

Louisa’s positive attitude, born of her conviction that God has a plan for her, is admirable but I still have a hard time thinking the way she does.

This lead her to speak with a priest about his role in supporting people as they work though their experience.

Religion is an extraordinarily helpful tool at times of grief and loss because it offers both an explanation for the inexplicable and a supportive community.

Ultimately, whether it is a religious community, family and friends, people where you live or even people who live on the other side of the world, community is important.

Like Dunblane in Scotland and Port Arthur in Tasmania. Walter Mikac, who lost his family in the Port Arthur massacre, found support by connecting with a network of fathers who had lost children in the Dunblane school massacre.

Prior to that, I was thinking, There’s nobody in the world who really knows how I feel. Being in their company was a really healing thing.

Like Sheryl, Leigh also focuses on how friends and colleagues react to survivours and victims and how important it is to let go of our own concerns and insecurities to be there to support the person.

The fear is you’re going to do something that makes it worse. But I know now that the worst thing you can do is ignore it or pretend it’s not happening and not be there for them.

This reinforced to me how important it is to confront my fears and insecurities and to genuinely be there to support my family and friends during difficult times.

I completely understand that compulsion to look away, and so it seemed strange to me, as I embarked on this book, that I was choosing to do the opposite, to walk towards the pain and suffering, particularly when there had been a modest measure of it in my own life. Now that I know more about how our brains work, I think perhaps it was an effort to impose control. If I could understand the things that rattled me, perhaps I could harness my own rampaging fear.

Hmmm, perhaps this is why I was drawn to this book……

And the quote which resonated with me most?

All that I can tell you is that life is richer, kinder and safer than the news would have you believe. People are more decent. The things you think you wouldn’t be able to survive, you probably can. You will be okay. There’s really only one lesson to take from all of this and that is to be grateful for the ordinary days and to savour every last moment of them. They’re not so ordinary, really. Hindsight makes them quite magical.

 

Any Ordinary Day: Blindsides, Resilience and What Happens After the Worst Day Of Your Life, Leigh Sales, Penguin Random House Australia, 2018, ISBN 978-1-760-14417-3

 

Discovery

It’s the small things

I have classical music playing. I have a cup of French Earl Grey tea. And I’m writing  in my journal. How sublime!

I close my eyes and I imagine I am somewhere in the countryside. Rolling grape-vine covered hills. Clear blue sky. The sun is shining and there is a gentle breeze rustling my hair.

I am sitting outside at my old wooden writing table. My gorgeous villa is behind me. My husband and son are training in the pool and I can hear their splashes from time to time. Our dog, a golden retriever, is sleeping beside me. Occasionally twitching her paws as she chases a cat in her dreams. But other than that I am quite alone. Ahhh! Bliss!!

Today we will take a walk into the village, buy some cheeses, meats and fresh bread for lunch. On the way back we will drop by our favourite winery. Stop for a chat with the owners and buy a few bottles of wine…. the hardest decision we will make all day.

Life is beautiful. Living the dream!

Yes, a dream.

Instead here I sit. Inside! It’s cold, 6 degrees Celsius, and worse, the pollution is bad. AGAIN!! I don’t even want to go outside. And I have put off my run for another day. Grrrr.

I am writing on a wooden desk but it is not so pretty and is piled with junk. In front of me is a big computer screen and behind my husband’s training bike. Bleugh! So not the dream.

Back to reality!

This is life and life is not perfect. You can’t always live the dream. But you can focus on the small things in life that will make you happy.

I have classical music playing. I have a cup of French Earl Grey tea. And I’m writing  in my journal. How sublime!

 

Discovery

Finding Balance

I have been back at work now for almost three months. And, not surprisingly, it hasn’t been easy to find balance.

I have tried hard by being super organised.

I have been planning the week’s meals and grocery shopping on a Sunday. However, by Thursday I am just too tired to find the energy to cook and we order take away.

I’ve tried to set up my days so I can exercise 3-4 times a week but the Winter weather here (dark, cold and polluted) has conspired against me to make it very difficult to go for a run outside. This means I have to run inside on a treadmill, which I find really boring which in turn impacts my motivation to get out of bed and exercise.

I have even tried to structure time in the week to write. (I call it Executive Time in my calendar.) Unfortunately meetings and work priorities have meant I haven’t had the opportunity to write very often.

All of these things have contributed to me feeling crappy, depressed and even a little bit cranky.

This week I found some “Executive Time” and wrote in my journal everything I was feeling. I poured out my feelings. I listed my frustrations. I even ranted for a bit.

Then I read over what I had written. Wow! I need to relax a little and not beat myself up because I’m not hitting every goal at 100%.

And I spent some time re-reading a few of my blog posts (and this one too). I should listen to my own advice.

So, today as I write I am making some commitments to myself.

  • I need to go easy on myself. No-one is perfect.
  • Winter is never the time of the year when I am at my best.
  • I’ve only just returned to work and it takes time to build routines.

Do I feel better? Not completely. But a little. And that’s OK. Life is a journey.

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Main Photo by Jon Flobrant on Unsplash. The one above was taken by my 9 year old son.

 

 

 

 

 

Book Review

Book Review: Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy by Sheryl Sandberg & Adam Grant

I searched for ways to end the sorrow, put it in a box, and throw it away. For the first weeks and months, I failed. The anguish won every time. Even when I looked calm and collected, the pain was always present. I was physically sitting in a meeting or reading to my kids, but my heart was on that gym floor.

In Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy Sheryl Sandberg opens up about the grief she felt following the sudden death of her husband, her concerns about how their children will grow up without a father and her relationships with family, friends and colleagues.

However, this book is more than Sheryl’s story of the aftermath of her husband’s death. It is combined with research on finding strength in the face of adversity, building resilience and overcoming hardship.

Co-authored by Adam Grant, a psychologist at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, Option B offers advice on how you can build resilience in yourself and help others experiencing similar crises.

While I have never faced the devastating shock that Sheryl Sandberg experienced, I believe it is important to build resilience in order to tackle everyday challenges.

You don’t have to experience tragedy to build your resilience for whatever lies ahead.

I was also interested to read how this experience impacted Sheryl’s beliefs given her views expressed in her previous book, Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to Lead.

I found much of the advice she and Adam gave to be helpful and thought provoking.

… psychologist Martin Seligman found three P’s that can stunt recovery: (1) personalisation – the belief that we are at fault; (2) pervasiveness – the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life; and (3) permanence – the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever.

It also made me honestly reflect on how I have supported (or not supported) friends and family going through hardships. And acknowledge that I really must do better.

For friends who turn away in times of difficulty, putting distance between themselves and emotional pain feels like self-preservation. … Others get overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness … Simply showing up for a friend can make a huge difference.

What I liked about the book was that it not only focused on steps in which an individual can build resilience but also how to raise resilient kids, build strength in communities to overcome obstacles and prevent adversity and create a workplace culture of embracing and learning from failure.

What I found frustrating was that the book didn’t seem to adequately achieve being either a memoir or a self-help book. It just seemed to be, well, kind of half way. And it left me somewhat disappointed. Luckily through reading the previous chapters I had built some resilience!

Resilience in love means finding strength from within that you can share with others. Finding a way to make love last through the highs and lows. Finding your own way to love when life does not work out as planned. Finding the hope to love and laugh again when love is cruelly taken from you. And finding a way to hang on to love even when the person you love is gone.

Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, Sheryl Sandberg, Adam Grant, London, WH Allen, 2017, Epub ISBN 9780753548301

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Book Review, Discovery

An insight into my strengths

With my sabbatical nearing the end I am reflecting what I really want to do in terms of work. When I was younger, work was a central part of my life. It was essential to who I was. Now work is less important, other things define who I am and what I do with my life. I do not live to work.

However, I do want my work to be engaging, my strengths best utilized, and fit with my values. I don’t want to waste my time doing something that I don’t enjoy and doesn’t take advantage of my strengths.

So what are my strengths?

I had a reasonable idea but wanted something more objective. In my search I was recommended CliftonStrengths.

Don Clifton’s StrengthsFinder is based on 40 years of research. Millions of people have used CliftonStrengths to discover and describe their talents.

I have found that personal and professional development often focusses on improving your weaknesses. As a child you are told you can be anything you want to be as long as you work hard. But the reality is if you have always struggled with maths you are unlikely to be a great accountant. Tom Rath, author of StrengthsFinder 2.0, recommends putting our energy into developing our natural talents.

You cannot be anything you want to be – but you can be a lot more of who you already are.

According to research by Gallup (the company behind CliftonStrengths), having the opportunity to develop our strengths is more important to our success at work than our role, title or even our pay.

In the workplace, you are six times less likely to be engaged in your job, when you’re not able to use your strengths in your job.

Consider this; when you’re unhappy at work you are more likely to:

  • dread going to work,
  • have more negative than positive interactions with your colleagues,
  • treat your customers (clients, students, patients) poorly,
  • tell your friends what a miserable company you work for,
  • achieve less on a daily basis.

CliftonStrengths identifies 34 themes of talent, or core personality traits. Through an assessment where you have just 20 seconds to answer each question (top of mind responses being more revealing than if you have time to think about it) your top five strengths are determined and all 34 are ranked.

So what are my top five?

  1. DisciplinePeople who are especially talented in the Discipline theme enjoy routine and structure. Their world is best described by the order they create. Initially I thought Discipline was about self-control (definitely NOT one of my strengths) but I am all about routines, structure, and being organised.
  2. InputPeople who are especially talented in the Input theme have a craving to know more. Often they like to collect and archive all kinds of information. I really do find so many things interesting. I love to read just about anything. I love to travel because each new location offers a new experience.
  3. CommunicationPeople who are especially talented in the Communication theme generally find it easy to put their thoughts into words. They are good conversationalists and presenters. This is what I am all about. I love to write (hey, blogger!). I love to talk. I love to bring ideas to life, to energize people and to inspire them to act.
  4. HarmonyPeople who are especially talented in the Harmony theme look for consensus. They don’t enjoy conflict; rather, they seek areas of agreement. Of my five top strengths Harmony is the the one that that is least descriptive of me. I do like to argue and put my opinion forward. However, I do believe that while people’s opinions matter and people should speak up, we should be working towards agreement and consensus. We do need to find common ground.
  5. RelatorPeople who are especially talented in the Relator theme enjoy close relationships with others. They find deep satisfaction in working hard with friends to achieve a goal. I don’t always feel comfortable meeting new people or confident striking up a conversation with an acquaintance,  but I do gain strength from being around close friends and believe that so much more can be achieved by being friends with my colleagues.

Now I have an insight into my strengths it doesn’t end there. CliftonStrengths offers advice on how to develop your strengths and on managing areas of less strength (e.g by seeking others with talents in those areas). They also help you to be aware of blind spots caused by your strengths.

I am working on an action plan for improving and applying my strengths into the future.

To start with, each week I plan to select a different strength in my top five and ask myself, “How can I use this strength today?” and at the end of each day, reflect on how I intentionally used this strength and think of the impact it had for me.

Secondly, I plan to ask those who know me, especially my former colleagues, three questions relating to my top five strengths.

  1. What was your initial reaction to my report?
  2. Which strength or strengths do you see most in me? Can you give me an example?
  3. What do you see as my greatest strengths?

I hope that by focusing on my strengths, rather than my weaknesses, I will gain a clearer picture of how best to use my time and how I can best can contribute to my community.

(Photo by Alex wong on Unsplash)
Strengths Finder 2.0, Tom Rath, New York, Gallup Press, 2007, ISBN 9780-1-59562-015-6

 

Book Review

Book Review: The Barefoot Investor by Scott Pape

If you want financial freedom, you need to take charge.

For a supposedly intelligent person I’m really not that smart when it comes to money. I have been lucky enough to have good jobs, am always cautious not to spend more than I have and avoid debt as much as possible. However, over time I have had that niggling feeling that I should be doing more with my finances.

Truthfully, I never had enough mental energy to think about it, let alone learn and understand all the financial terminology. Add that to a lot of negative media about unscrupulous financial advisers and knowing more than one friend who had lost a significant amount of money taking their advice. It was all too hard and overwhelming.

You can live the rest of your life with excuses about your lot – most people do – but they sure as hell won’t protect you from the financial fire that’s eventually going to work its way to you.

One of the goals I set myself at the start of my sabbatical was to gain a better understanding of financial matters and sort out our financial life. I spent a few months procrastinating, doing a few internet searches, reading a few articles but not really achieving much.

Then while browsing in an airport bookstore I came across The Barefoot Investor: The Only Money Guide You’ll Ever Need by Scott Pape.

This book – and the solid-as-a-rock steps it gives you – is built on values that have stood the test of time.

And that is what hooked me. No promises of get rich quick schemes. No give up a coffee a day and you’ll become financially secure. Just honest, down to earth common sense.

I don’t want to get carried away but this book changed my life. The Barefoot Investor is easy to read and more importantly the author clearly explains how to put his advice into action. The Barefoot Steps start with scheduling monthly date nights. (Scott even suggests a glass of wine or two!) Now this is a financial advisor who gets me!

The Barefoot Investor starts with a section called Plant where you build your financial infrastructure. Scott recommends setting up a number of bank accounts, or buckets, and give them memorable names like Spend, Splurge, and Smile. He outlines options for superannuation and insurance and how to cut your debt.

The second section, Grow, discusses buying your own home, investing and providing a bucket (called Fire Extinguisher) for emergencies.

In the third section, Harvest, he talks about how you can pay off your mortgage, have enough for retirement and even leave a legacy for your children.

I am working my way through Scott’s recommended steps. I’m not finished yet but when it comes to financial matters I expect that I will never finish. (More date nights! More wine!) And be warned, not everything applies to every reader. This is a book written for an Australian audience, some information such as the superannuation advice may not apply. However, the core ideas are sound and could be adapted for most people’s situations.

Also reading the book won’t solve all your financial problems. You have to do the hard work. The tips on where to look for more information and scripts to help when you call your bank and insurance company give you the confidence to do what you need to do.

I have joined the Barefoot Investor cult!

From this point on, no matter what you face in the future, you can look yourself in the eye and confidently say to yourself… I’ve got this.

The Barefoot Investor: The Only Money Guide You’ll Ever Need, Scott Pape, John Wiley & Sons Australia, June 2017, ISBN 9780730324218

Discovery

One year on

Twelve months ago I embarked on a journey full of uncertainty. After 23 years in the workforce I decided to stop working and take time out.

There were plenty of naysayers; “You’ll be bored in six months”, “ You’ll miss work too much”. There was also lots of encouragement; “What a fantastic opportunity”, “I’ve always wanted to do what you’re doing”.

Early on I wrote down the goals for my sabbatical and developed a clear plan of what I wanted to achieve. This was partly because this is how I have always operated in the  work environment and I wanted to ensure my time was well used. But, truth be told, it was partly because I felt guilty for taking the time off and I needed to be able to prove to myself and others that I was achieving what I set out to do and not just taking an extended holiday.

As I prepare myself for a return to the workforce (albeit part time) I have spent some time reviewing those goals and reflecting on the past year.

So, did I achieve my goals? Mostly yes. And some no’s.

Did I learn anything about myself? Absolutely.

Habits

After many years of working I discovered I had developed some unhelpful habits; emotional eating, intermittent exercise, dwelling on decisions made, spending Sunday evenings obsessively worrying about what might happen at work the coming week.

During the past 12 months I have consciously spent time on breaking these bad habits and creating new ones.

I now exercise four to five times a week (a mix of yoga, running and swimming and I have recently added kickboxing to try something new). I focus on making healthy eating choices four or five days a week and give myself permission to enjoy a few treats over the weekend while trying not to overindulge. (One or two pieces of chocolate NOT the whole block!) When I am eating socially I try to eat mindfully, stop part way through the meal, wait a few minutes and then ask myself am I eating out of hunger or because of my uncontrolled desire to just to eat everything in sight.

Leo Babauta’s Zen Habits and Marc & Angel’s Hack Life both gave me inspiration and easy to follow tips as I slowly tried to kick habits of a lifetime.

However, I know it could be very easy to go back to these habits once I return to work. For me regular exercise and making healthy choices when eating requires discipline. Which leads me to the next discovery…..

Mental strength

So many of my bad habits were due to not having the mental strength to make the right decision. After spending so much of my time obsessively worrying about past decisions and future scenarios I was too tired to focus on what I needed to do in the present.

Mindfulness is such a buzz word for today. However with the help of tips and meditation practices from Andy Puddicombe’s Headspace, I have come to recognise negative thoughts for exactly what they are “thoughts”.  They are not reality unless I allow them to be. I don’t ignore these thoughts but I acknowledge them for what they are and move on to a more productive route.

Please don’t think I no longer have negative thoughts or concern myself about the past or future. They are still there. At this moment I am worried about how I am going to balance my new found life with work commitments. How am I going to fit in the yoga and running, preparing healthy but delicious meals for my family, writing and pursuing my creative side?

Priorities

This is where Mark Manson’s book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck has really helped. Mark’s message is not about not caring about anything, his message is to care about those things you value. Saying yes to what matters to you and not wasting time with the rest.

Prioritising what I value most; my physical and emotional health, my family and community. And also finding something that challenges me and stops me becoming too comfortable or complacent in the world.

 

I have set myself new goals and developed a new plan for the next 12 months, focusing on what I am passionate about, what is meaningful to me. Will I achieve everything I set out to do? Definitely not. But I will ensure I continue to direct my time, energy and passion to what matters the most to me.

 

(Photo by Delano Balten on Unsplash)
Book Review

Book Review: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson

Our culture today is obsessively focused on unrealistically positive expectations: Be happier. Be healthier. Be the best, better than the rest. Be smarter, richer, sexier, more popular, more productive, more envied, and more admired.

Ironically, this fixation on the positive – on what’s better, what’s superior – only serves to remind us over and over again of what we are not, of what we lack, of what we should have been but failed to be.

I am not a self-help book kind of person. I find them full of glaringly obvious advice, pointless and often counterproductive. I usually get bored before I have read more than a quarter of the book and lose interest.

I am quite comfortable saying that what first drew my attention to The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck was the obvious swear word in the title. However, once I read what it was about I quickly dismissed it as another one of “those” self-help books. But then over the following months the book kept appearing in my life; as a recommended book on my Kindle, a book review by a blogger I follow, then a former colleague posted on Good Reads that he had read it. Clearly something was telling me to read the book.

It did take me a while to read, I kept getting distracted by more interesting books, but I finished it! And I’m reviewing it. So it passed “Is it worth reading?” test.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson basically tells you to suck it up and get on with your life. It doesn’t pussy foot around telling you that your life will be a bed of roses as long as you follow some amazing formula for life that the author miraculously discovered.

The problem is that giving too many fucks is bad for your mental health. It causes you to become overly attached to the superficial and fake, to dedicate your life to chasing a mirage of happiness and satisfaction. The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is true and immediate and important.

Yep, the f-word is used a lot. If that upsets you, don’t read the book. But know that by Chapter 2 the f-word is used less and less.

Mark basically says that we are hard-wired to be unhappy. That it is dissatisfaction that keeps us striving, building, evolving – to make things better.

Whatever makes us happy today will no longer make us happy tomorrow, because our biology always needs something more. A fixation on happiness inevitably amounts to a never ending pursuit of “something else” – a new house, a new relationship, another child, another pay rise. And after all our sweat and strain, we end up feeling eerily similar to how we started: inadequate.

Mark tells us some hard truths …. that nothing worthwhile is worth it without working hard, that you are not special or different from anyone else, that you and everyone else suffers, that you will make mistakes … and then you die.

The challenge is to know what to give a f*ck about and focus on that.

The only way to be comfortable with death is to understand and see yourself as something bigger than yourself; to chose values that stretch beyond serving yourself, that are simple and immediate and controllable and tolerant of the chaotic world around you.

Mark believes that “Values underlie everything we are and we do.” And that choosing good values are crucial.

Some examples of good, healthy values: honesty, innovation, vulnerability, standing up for oneself, standing up for others, self-respect, curiosity, charity, humility, creativity.

You’ll notice that good, healthy values are achieved internally. Something like creativity or humility can be experienced right now. You simply have to orient your mind in a certain way to experience it. These values are immediate and controllable and engage you with the world as it is rather than how you wish it were.

Overall I’d say that this book gave me a lot to reflect on as I continue my sabbatical into the second year. (A blog post for another time.)

And the quote which resonated with me most?

In the long run, completing a marathon makes us happier that eating chocolate cake.

 

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life, Mark Manson, Sydney, Macmillan, 2016, EPUB format 9781925483857