Author: Kim Jacobson

We are each as vulnerable as the next person on the planet, and that was both a terrifying and enlightening fact.

Having recently read and reviewed Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant, I was looking for a new book to review for my next blog post. As I searched for options I kept being drawn to Any Ordinary Day: Blindsides, Resilience and What Happens After the Worst Day Of Your Life by Leigh Sales; a book that was very similar to Option B that I disregarded it. In the end I realised that there must a reason why I kept coming back to this book, so I should just go ahead and read it.

And I am glad I did. To some extent it is very similar story; a high profile woman blindsided by events beyond their control, reflecting on what happens after the worst day of their life and how we can all build resilience to work through life-changing events.

However, while there are many similarities and take-aways both give different perspectives. As an Australian Leigh’s examples, the Lindt Cafe siege, Stuart Diver and Thredbo landslide, the Port Arthur massacre, all resonate with an Australian reader and may not have as much meaning to those who have not lived in Australia in recent decades.

Leigh is also a journalist and gives her perspective on the media’s role in a victim or surviour’s journey. (Something I would have been interested in hearing from Sheryl given her position at Facebook.)

This was probably the part I read with most interest, as I believe that often the 24 hour media news cycle can make things worse for someone who has just experienced the worst day of their life.

Maximum public curiosity and therefore maximum media harassment coincide with the peak vulnerability of the people involved.

It was interesting to read how Leigh justified her role in this by it being “in the public interest” and if she didn’t do it someone else would.

Journalism has a culture that values and rewards breaking news, fresh angles that keep stories on the front page and juicy details that make people talk. From day one in journalism school, you’re taught that while you must behave ethically towards the people on whom you report, ultimately you serve the public above all else.

Coincidentally, I studied journalism at the same time as Leigh but moved away from it as a career pathway as I felt uncomfortable with the process. I feel that it is unethical to turn people’s suffering into “news” for public consumption and make money for the media owners and advertisers.

Another factor I found interesting was how many people she interviewed believed that faith helped them through.

This was something that also surprised Leigh.

Louisa’s positive attitude, born of her conviction that God has a plan for her, is admirable but I still have a hard time thinking the way she does.

This lead her to speak with a priest about his role in supporting people as they work though their experience.

Religion is an extraordinarily helpful tool at times of grief and loss because it offers both an explanation for the inexplicable and a supportive community.

Ultimately, whether it is a religious community, family and friends, people where you live or even people who live on the other side of the world, community is important.

Like Dunblane in Scotland and Port Arthur in Tasmania. Walter Mikac, who lost his family in the Port Arthur massacre, found support by connecting with a network of fathers who had lost children in the Dunblane school massacre.

Prior to that, I was thinking, There’s nobody in the world who really knows how I feel. Being in their company was a really healing thing.

Like Sheryl, Leigh also focuses on how friends and colleagues react to survivours and victims and how important it is to let go of our own concerns and insecurities to be there to support the person.

The fear is you’re going to do something that makes it worse. But I know now that the worst thing you can do is ignore it or pretend it’s not happening and not be there for them.

This reinforced to me how important it is to confront my fears and insecurities and to genuinely be there to support my family and friends during difficult times.

I completely understand that compulsion to look away, and so it seemed strange to me, as I embarked on this book, that I was choosing to do the opposite, to walk towards the pain and suffering, particularly when there had been a modest measure of it in my own life. Now that I know more about how our brains work, I think perhaps it was an effort to impose control. If I could understand the things that rattled me, perhaps I could harness my own rampaging fear.

Hmmm, perhaps this is why I was drawn to this book……

And the quote which resonated with me most?

All that I can tell you is that life is richer, kinder and safer than the news would have you believe. People are more decent. The things you think you wouldn’t be able to survive, you probably can. You will be okay. There’s really only one lesson to take from all of this and that is to be grateful for the ordinary days and to savour every last moment of them. They’re not so ordinary, really. Hindsight makes them quite magical.

Any Ordinary Day: Blindsides, Resilience and What Happens After the Worst Day Of Your Life, Leigh Sales, Penguin Random House Australia, 2018, ISBN 978-1-760-14417-3

I searched for ways to end the sorrow, put it in a box, and throw it away. For the first weeks and months, I failed. The anguish won every time. Even when I looked calm and collected, the pain was always present. I was physically sitting in a meeting or reading to my kids, but my heart was on that gym floor.

In Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy Sheryl Sandberg opens up about the grief she felt following the sudden death of her husband, her concerns about how their children will grow up without a father and her relationships with family, friends and colleagues.

However, this book is more than Sheryl’s story of the aftermath of her husband’s death. It is combined with research on finding strength in the face of adversity, building resilience and overcoming hardship.

Co-authored by Adam Grant, a psychologist at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, Option B offers advice on how you can build resilience in yourself and help others experiencing similar crises.

While I have never faced the devastating shock that Sheryl Sandberg experienced, I believe it is important to build resilience in order to tackle everyday challenges.

You don’t have to experience tragedy to build your resilience for whatever lies ahead.

I was also interested to read how this experience impacted Sheryl’s beliefs given her views expressed in her previous book, Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to Lead.

I found much of the advice she and Adam gave to be helpful and thought provoking.

… psychologist Martin Seligman found three P’s that can stunt recovery: (1) personalisation – the belief that we are at fault; (2) pervasiveness – the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life; and (3) permanence – the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever.

It also made me honestly reflect on how I have supported (or not supported) friends and family going through hardships. And acknowledge that I really must do better.

For friends who turn away in times of difficulty, putting distance between themselves and emotional pain feels like self-preservation. … Others get overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness … Simply showing up for a friend can make a huge difference.

What I liked about the book was that it not only focused on steps in which an individual can build resilience but also how to raise resilient kids, build strength in communities to overcome obstacles and prevent adversity and create a workplace culture of embracing and learning from failure.

What I found frustrating was that the book didn’t seem to adequately achieve being either a memoir or a self-help book. It just seemed to be, well, kind of half way. And it left me somewhat disappointed. Luckily through reading the previous chapters I had built some resilience!

Resilience in love means finding strength from within that you can share with others. Finding a way to make love last through the highs and lows. Finding your own way to love when life does not work out as planned. Finding the hope to love and laugh again when love is cruelly taken from you. And finding a way to hang on to love even when the person you love is gone.

Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, Sheryl Sandberg, Adam Grant, London, WH Allen, 2017, Epub ISBN 9780753548301

If you want financial freedom, you need to take charge.

For a supposedly intelligent person I’m really not that smart when it comes to money. I have been lucky enough to have good jobs, am always cautious not to spend more than I have and avoid debt as much as possible. However, over time I have had that niggling feeling that I should be doing more with my finances.

Truthfully, I never had enough mental energy to think about it, let alone learn and understand all the financial terminology. Add that to a lot of negative media about unscrupulous financial advisers and knowing more than one friend who had lost a significant amount of money taking their advice. It was all too hard and overwhelming.

You can live the rest of your life with excuses about your lot – most people do – but they sure as hell won’t protect you from the financial fire that’s eventually going to work its way to you.

One of the goals I set myself at the start of my sabbatical was to gain a better understanding of financial matters and sort out our financial life. I spent a few months procrastinating, doing a few internet searches, reading a few articles but not really achieving much.

Then while browsing in an airport bookstore I came across The Barefoot Investor: The Only Money Guide You’ll Ever Need by Scott Pape.

This book – and the solid-as-a-rock steps it gives you – is built on values that have stood the test of time.

And that is what hooked me. No promises of get rich quick schemes. No give up a coffee a day and you’ll become financially secure. Just honest, down to earth common sense.

I don’t want to get carried away but this book changed my life. The Barefoot Investor is easy to read and more importantly the author clearly explains how to put his advice into action. The Barefoot Steps start with scheduling monthly date nights. (Scott even suggests a glass of wine or two!) Now this is a financial advisor who gets me!

The Barefoot Investor starts with a section called Plant where you build your financial infrastructure. Scott recommends setting up a number of bank accounts, or buckets, and give them memorable names like Spend, Splurge, and Smile. He outlines options for superannuation and insurance and how to cut your debt.

The second section, Grow, discusses buying your own home, investing and providing a bucket (called Fire Extinguisher) for emergencies.

In the third section, Harvest, he talks about how you can pay off your mortgage, have enough for retirement and even leave a legacy for your children.

I am working my way through Scott’s recommended steps. I’m not finished yet but when it comes to financial matters I expect that I will never finish. (More date nights! More wine!) And be warned, not everything applies to every reader. This is a book written for an Australian audience, some information such as the superannuation advice may not apply. However, the core ideas are sound and could be adapted for most people’s situations.

Also reading the book won’t solve all your financial problems. You have to do the hard work. The tips on where to look for more information and scripts to help when you call your bank and insurance company give you the confidence to do what you need to do.

I have joined the Barefoot Investor cult!

From this point on, no matter what you face in the future, you can look yourself in the eye and confidently say to yourself… I’ve got this.

The Barefoot Investor: The Only Money Guide You’ll Ever Need, Scott Pape, John Wiley & Sons Australia, June 2017, ISBN 9780730324218